Cloverfield Sucks

OK, yes, I finally saw Cloverfield.

It sucks.

Didn't I see this movie already?  Whiny 20-something idiots running around getting lost with a video camera?  I'm sure I did.  I think it might have been called the Blair Witch Project.

For the entire movie, Ladybug and I were hoping Hog, or Hap, or Hud, or whatever the camera guy's name was would be killed just so we wouldn't have to listen to his moronic voice-over any more.  Yes, we all have emotionally stunted, needy, jerkoff friends like that who are good for little more than getting us all killed with their incompetence.  I stopped calling mine some years ago.  And then you kill the only character I gave a crap about, Milena, or whatever, the one who told Haphudhog he's a fucking idiot with his Superman commentary.

And you want to talk about an idiot plot?  Here's a dollar's worth of free advice, hipsters: when the rats are running from something, you don't fucking stop to figure out what it is.  All you're doing is proving that you're dumber than a rat.  If you've just been attacked by a large bug, and have found refuge behind a stout door with a viable water and air supply, what do you do?  Go back out into the dark?  Or hold up until morning?  I guess if you're a love-struck moron, you go back out in the dark.  Miranda, or whatever her name was, the cool one, she was dead anyway from that bite, with no real medical attention (and you didn't even think to try to get her some - even after you ran into the military).  Just freaking stick it out.  Hell, you were underground as well.  If we've learned anything from recent history, it's that bombs, however huge, don't kill people hiding in caves very effectively.

When Hoghaphud turned the camera on himself and said, "If this is the last thing you see . . .", I said, "then thank your lucky stars the moron is dead!"   I cheered when he got eaten.

And this magic camera of theirs.  Night vision?  A floodlight?  And with a battery and casing that will last for hours of recording and being knocked around, dropped, chewed and still record?  Yes, please, sign me up for one of them.  I can't get a battery for a video camera that lasts for 12 hours sitting in the camera doing nothing.  You're running a near IR sensor and a floodlight and recording all night long and into the morning.  Suspension of disbelief indeed.   We were waiting for them to engage the "alien blood trail detector," or "damsel in distress sensor," or, my personal preference, the "turn-this-into-a-movie-I-want-to-watch-o-meter."

And what was the point of the first half hour?  If this is suppsed to be a military recovery, why are we subjected to 30 minutes of MTV's The Real World?  Apart from making me loathe Hudhaphog and wanting him to die in the first attack.  And explaining why the main idiot wants to get all his friends killed to save some bit of tail he had a one day fling with.

OK, yes, I'd go back in to save my kids or my wife.  But I wouldn't take a video camera.  I'd take weapons.  Loot an electronics store for a phone battery?  Hell no, loot a gun store for some bad ass shotguns or automatic rifles.  And then steal a car.

Lily got out (amazingly, the ethnic minority survived), so at least we have a surviving character for Book of Idiots: Cloverfield 2.